MyKickSpot.com is a website where users can come and submit jokes and comunicate with users around the world. More features coming soon! http://mykickspot.com/ Copyright 2007 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 1. I’m the head of the family, so call me The President. 2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 3. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. 4. The nanny, well we’ll consider her the Working Class. 5. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Okay.? “Now, go on and think about that and see if it makes sense.” So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed, naked, with the Nanny. So, he gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his Father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies: “Well, the President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, and the People are being ignored while the Future is in deep shit.” http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=168 04-30-2008 That your parents spend the first 18 months of your life trying to make you stand up and talk.... and the next 18 years trying to make you sit down and listen! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=167 04-30-2008 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember ! when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today". Wife : #@%*&@%#!!! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=166 04-30-2008 The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side. He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too. He'll do anything in his power To show his love to you. The perfect man is sweet, Writing poetry from your name. He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He has never made you cry Or hurt you in any way. Oh, "to hell with this stupid poem," "Cause the perfect man is gay! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=165 04-30-2008 "A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud: "This is not the 1928 Mouton!" The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine was indeed the 1928 Mouton. Finally, someone asks him why he is so sure it is not the 1928 Mouton. "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine." Consternation reigns. The original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of '28 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush them in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a slight difference in geographic location." Phillipe de Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her panties. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location will make!" http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=164 04-30-2008 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,...we're living with two Sluts and a Queer. http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=163 04-30-2008 A LITTLE girl asked her mother, "Mummy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Darling, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mummy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mummy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Darling, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend, who told her, "All you have to do is take a look at your mother's driving licence. It's just a like a school report. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl said to her mother, "Mummy, Mummy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32." The mother was very shocked. She asked, "How do you know that?" The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh nine stone six." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=162 04-30-2008 Adult Joke A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us having sexual intercourse? " The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. " And he then charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can not go to her house. I am married and we can not go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=161 04-30-2008 Barman was obsessed with women's breasts, so he went to a psychologist and told him his problem. "Let's play a little word association game," the doctor said. "I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind." "Plums," said the doctor. "Breasts," Barman said. "Oranges." "Breasts," Barman replied. "Watermelons." "Breasts," said Barman. "Wipers." "Breasts," Barman said. "Wait a minute!" the doctor said. "I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and breasts. But, automobile wipers? Where's the connection?" "Easy, doc," Barman explained, "one on the left and one on the right!" http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=160 04-27-2008 A man teases his ex-wife's new husband...so, how was the second hand stuff??? New husband: not bad, AFTER THE FIRST 2 INCHES, SHE WAS BRAND NEW!!! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=159 04-27-2008 An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The Officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too. MORAL: Don't mess with little old ladies! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=158 04-26-2008 Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says: "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get." http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=157 04-26-2008 Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnn can go to third grade! He seems smart enough." Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am" "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!" "OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants." "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut. !" "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!" "What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am." "Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!" "OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!" "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose." "Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow." "Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Fire truck, Ma'am!" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=156 04-26-2008 Because when they get to 69 they have their mouth full!!! http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=154 04-18-2008 Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone??? B/c he had noBODY to go with him http://mykickspot.com/jokes/index.php?ItemID=151 04-07-2008